This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
