I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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