you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
