Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
