it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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