he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
