Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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