I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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