I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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