He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Randomize
