i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
