How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
