he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
