I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Randomize
