The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
