I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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