My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
