i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
40s are totally the cure
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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