Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I wear drunk well.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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