What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize