I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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