It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I FOUND THE LEGS
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
