I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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