I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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