oh god the rape fog is back!
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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