I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
