He asked me if I "almost moaned"
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
