there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
