Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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