my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I think my nap took me to another dimension
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
