See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
