theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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