Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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