i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
