Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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