I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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