I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
