It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
