If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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