eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
