I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
