Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
