glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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