Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
