grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
