everyone is single if you try hard enough
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
He kissed a someone with a penis
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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