from now on my penis is your penis
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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