Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
