So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
