my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
