I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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