I didn't shave. On purpose
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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