Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
