I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
