meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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