My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
